Blue moon

I rarely talk about us these days. Not that it’s not worth talking about, but I’d rather talk about other things about me than us. Plus, I’m not comfortable talking about us like this.

But since I haven’t got much going on in my life these days, I guess it’s high time that I should think about my relationship with Paul. It hasn’t been on the top of my priorities list since forever, probably because I have this idea that our relationship is like a cactus (low-maintenance-takes-care-of-itself kinda thing). Come to think of it, none of my past relationships ever were. I have always had something else to do, something else to think about, something else to take care of. I was brought up to believe that love can wait, and the “serious stuff” should come first. Now that I’m all grown up, I’ve been thinking. Who are they to say which stuff are serious and which aren’t?

We’ve been together for 2 years (okay, give or take a month and a few days). It hasn’t been the easiest relationship because for one, it’s a long distance relationship. Even though my house is an hour away from his, I go to school in Los Baños where I stay for the most part of the week. It’s 3 friggin hours worth of travel and although I don’t tell him this, I appreciate his effort in coming all the way to LB just to see me for a few hours. Actually, I appreciate his coming over every time he’s free. I just don’t tell him that.

I’m not exactly a good girlfriend (if there is such a thing). I’m naturally obstinate and having been with other men made me stick to my guns even more. It’s just sad that when he came along, I was already this apathetic and mistrustful little bitch who’s socially cripple and perpetually pigheaded. I’m not good at saying thank you. Sometimes I fail to tell him when I’m spending the night out with friends. I don’t even tell him I love him everyday. And when we fight, I don’t say sorry. I actually blame my parents for this verbal inability to express myself, because they let me spend my formative years in my room instead of constantly encouraging me to talk. But at the end of the day, it’s still another one of my shortcomings. Mine. That means I should do something about it.

He says he doesn’t want me to keep him in the dark. He says he wants to keep a simple relationship. I’m a bit sorry if I keep complicating things by not being as open as I should be, but I think the tangles in this relationship cannot be undone. I have trust issues, and the things that happened that have trampled my already frail belief in other human beings keep reminding me that I really cannot fully put my confidence in him. I wish I weren’t so screwed up as I am. Wish I wasn’t this jaded. I know I would have been better, and it’s quite unfair really, but in a war, the dead remain dead. What’s broken is broken, and I don’t know how to start over once my stack of bricks crumble to the ground.

I admit that sometimes I have doubts if this will still work after everything. Sometimes I think it will; sometimes I’m sure it won’t. The thought that we might not work scares me. What else is left for me if I can’t make this thing work?

I’m glad he’s patient, and he never gets tired of trying to reach me when I’m closing myself off from him. I just hope he never gets tired, because between the two of us, he’s the stronger link. I’d give up on this any day. On the other hand, he’d stay.

I wish I had that much faith.

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