Go to hell, jerk.

I’m tired of waiting for you to change. I thought you would.

It’s been 2 fuckin years and you still don’t know me. You can’t even make me feel better when I’m blue.

I just thought maybe things will be better, but I’m tired of waiting for you to become better.

Sometimes I just want to cry. It’s so frustrating.

I can’t be with someone who doesnt know what to say to make me feel better. You cant always use that as an excuse. I need someone who’s stronger than me sometimes. I need a little saving too. I can’t be strong all the time. I’m not as tough as I seem to be. I can’t. I can’t be like that.

I don’t know what’ll happen now.

I don’t know where to go.

Boiling

One thing I really hate is when people do things that will cost others DEARLY. All for one moment of fun, people let their guard down and forget that there are boundaries you can’t cross. Just for kicks, people toss the trust that was given to them too high up and they wouldn’t see it until it hits the floor.

I find this kind of behavior UNHEALTHY and UNACCEPTABLE, especially for those who condemn others who behave in the same manner. What’s that word for them again? Oh yeah. HYPOCRITES. For some unknown reason, people can’t keep their lips closed and relief comes only when they wag their tongue. They need some profound form of entertainment, and they get it from spreading the news which puts other people’s asses on the line.

I refuse to clean up after anybody’s mess. If something in my life, just because of yet another stupid slip up, threatens the existence of a friendship I painstakingly built, I will not have seconds thoughts about giving that thing up.

I guess I really learned my lesson this time.

Isang bagay lang.

Ma, wag ka na kasi magtaka kung ganito ako. Magaling ka kasi magturo.

Nung bata pa ako, sinisisi mo sa ‘kin kahit yung mga bagay na hindi ko ginawa. Dinidikdik mo sa ‘kin na pangit yung ugali ko. Sinasaksak mo sa baga ko na mas magaling lagi yung mga kaklase ko kaysa sa ‘kin. Lagi mong pinapaalala sa ‘kin na swerte yung ibang tao sa mga anak nila. Lagi mong pinapakita na mag-isa ako.

Kaya wala kang karapatan para sabihin sa ‘kin na lagi akong walang pakealam kasi ganun ka rin naman. Lagi kong naririnig sa ‘yo na bahala ako sa buhay ko.

Talagang bahala ako sa buhay ko.

I HATE YOU.

I don’t know why I had to have such an annoying sibling.

REASONS WHY I HATE ALLEN REALON

1. He’s rude.
He doesn’t know how to say please, sorry, and thank you. I’d like to point out that I compensate my verbal inability to say these common courtesies through non-verbal means. BUT THIS MONKEY? No. He’d rather be labeled uneducated than say excuse me.

2. He’s messy.
He never cleans up after himself. He has a señor complex. He expects everyone to pick up after him just because he was used to being let off the hook by none other than our mother.

3. He’s a braggart.
Every time he has new stuff, or has been somewhere far, or has gotten some award, HE BRAGS ABOUT IT LIKE IT’S THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD. He always assumes he’s superior and once you try to burst his bubble, he’ll bring up things that are totally humiliating yet entirely unrelated to the topic.

4. He’s a liar.
And Mommy actually believes him.

5. He’s bossy.
Whatever he wants, he gets. He orders everyone around and yells if he can’t get what he wants. And it doesn’t matter if I get hurt, or anyone else in the family gets hurt. Whatever he wants, he gets.

6. He gets away with everything he does.

7. He’s stupid.
He thinks reading and writing are stupid. Guess what. You’re alive because people learned to read and write. And it’s actually what makes you human. Scriptito ergo sum.

8. He’s a certified jEjE.

Blue moon

I rarely talk about us these days. Not that it’s not worth talking about, but I’d rather talk about other things about me than us. Plus, I’m not comfortable talking about us like this.

But since I haven’t got much going on in my life these days, I guess it’s high time that I should think about my relationship with Paul. It hasn’t been on the top of my priorities list since forever, probably because I have this idea that our relationship is like a cactus (low-maintenance-takes-care-of-itself kinda thing). Come to think of it, none of my past relationships ever were. I have always had something else to do, something else to think about, something else to take care of. I was brought up to believe that love can wait, and the “serious stuff” should come first. Now that I’m all grown up, I’ve been thinking. Who are they to say which stuff are serious and which aren’t?

We’ve been together for 2 years (okay, give or take a month and a few days). It hasn’t been the easiest relationship because for one, it’s a long distance relationship. Even though my house is an hour away from his, I go to school in Los Baños where I stay for the most part of the week. It’s 3 friggin hours worth of travel and although I don’t tell him this, I appreciate his effort in coming all the way to LB just to see me for a few hours. Actually, I appreciate his coming over every time he’s free. I just don’t tell him that.

I’m not exactly a good girlfriend (if there is such a thing). I’m naturally obstinate and having been with other men made me stick to my guns even more. It’s just sad that when he came along, I was already this apathetic and mistrustful little bitch who’s socially cripple and perpetually pigheaded. I’m not good at saying thank you. Sometimes I fail to tell him when I’m spending the night out with friends. I don’t even tell him I love him everyday. And when we fight, I don’t say sorry. I actually blame my parents for this verbal inability to express myself, because they let me spend my formative years in my room instead of constantly encouraging me to talk. But at the end of the day, it’s still another one of my shortcomings. Mine. That means I should do something about it.

He says he doesn’t want me to keep him in the dark. He says he wants to keep a simple relationship. I’m a bit sorry if I keep complicating things by not being as open as I should be, but I think the tangles in this relationship cannot be undone. I have trust issues, and the things that happened that have trampled my already frail belief in other human beings keep reminding me that I really cannot fully put my confidence in him. I wish I weren’t so screwed up as I am. Wish I wasn’t this jaded. I know I would have been better, and it’s quite unfair really, but in a war, the dead remain dead. What’s broken is broken, and I don’t know how to start over once my stack of bricks crumble to the ground.

I admit that sometimes I have doubts if this will still work after everything. Sometimes I think it will; sometimes I’m sure it won’t. The thought that we might not work scares me. What else is left for me if I can’t make this thing work?

I’m glad he’s patient, and he never gets tired of trying to reach me when I’m closing myself off from him. I just hope he never gets tired, because between the two of us, he’s the stronger link. I’d give up on this any day. On the other hand, he’d stay.

I wish I had that much faith.

Moving trucks (UPDATED)

I’m moving to another place. Visit me here.

Valentine’s week

Feb8
This is my I-hate-LTO look.

Feb9
Joi brought home lengua and Caesar’s salad. It was waaaaay past dinner time but I finished it anyway. Haha. I must stop eating at weird times.

Feb10
More food! Gahd. Last week was so full of food! Had BLT sandwich for lunch then nice, nice dinner with Sarah in the evening. NOTE TO SELF: Mommy Ludy’s = great chicken. Mommy Ludy’s =/= nice cheesecake.

Feb11
Got this spooky shot of Cris walking out of our classroom after campaigning. It’s USC elections once again.

Feb12
Saw this in front of DL Umali. Kiddie artwork and witty descriptions.

Feb13
Last photo of the 19-yr-old me.

Feb14
HELLO 2-0!